Gaslighting Andy, the contractor

[AndyG]

I have always been fascinated with psychology and human behavior and tried to stay up-to-date, but I was not even aware of the term gaslighting until I heard someone I really respect mention it.

For some reason, I knew it was really important, and I looked into it and started to understand the behavior.

For years as a contractor, I have struggled with customers who were getting nothing less than an absolute fantastic experience, and they would constantly make me feel like I wasn’t doing enough.

I don’t play the role of being subservient to or let people run all over me, but I came to realize that people were doing this to me in a more subtle way…

Today I had a lady who said the job sitting still for two days was killing the timeline…

First, we really don’t have a timeline until we get through inspections and we can control inspections and the inspection department-

And we can’t develop a schedule to even do the rough in work until we have the cabinet schematic in hand that the person who referred me the job is supposed to furnish that I’m not going to throw under the bus

So here we are three weeks into a job that I didn’t know existed four weeks ago and we are where most contractors would be about eight weeks into the job

OK, so what is my point??

No more.

I’ve had people do this to me for years and under no circumstances am I ever going to allow it anymore. Nothing is worse than working a 10-12 hour day half killing yourself and going home discouraged and feeling bad.

If I’m wrong and I’m not getting the job done or we’re not doing the job correctly we need to step up- but it will be a cold day before I ever let anyone use this tactic on me again when they’re only trying to get results that are not realistic for the situation.

I have seen people over the years get to the point where they want customers to go away and just let them do their job and I can honestly say after years of doing this and loving people and loving to work with people- I can understand why people get to that point.

if anybody out there is facing the same thing, I want to encourage you to stand up for yourself in a good way and set boundaries and preserve your mental health.

Andy


There is a time for work, a time for love. That leaves no other time-CoCo Chanel.

 

[jeepguy03]

People are really insane these days. I work at a university, surrounded by over educated people who think very highly of themselves. With that usually comes attitude and mental illness such as this. I guess people must really believe that nobody can see through their mind games.

I had a good one yesterday, this woman (early-40s I'd guess) who works in a department we support (I'm in IT) was telling a group of people how "difficult" she is to deal with, and almost as if she was proud of this quality, laughing about how people must hate seeing her calling their phone to complain about something or ordering them to fix something she doesn't like. I'm not sure how much of a sociopath you have to be in order to be on the level of this woman, but damn. I can't imagine ever being proud of being an annoying POS that people see coming in the hallway and run the other way to avoid.

Like you said, your mental health is the priority. You know you are doing a good job, especially because I'm certain you have seen the shitty work your competitors have done. Never forget that there are people out there who even if you did the entire thing for free and did a perfect job, they still would be dissatisfied. F' em. There are plenty of people out there who appreciate good work.

 

[Zorba]

I've read the definition of "gaslighting" and still don't really understand it or why its called that. I barely know what "ghosting" is, but at least that term makes some sense.

 

[AndyG]

People are really insane these days. I work at a university, surrounded by over educated people who think very highly of themselves. With that usually comes attitude and mental illness such as this. I guess people must really believe that nobody can see through their mind games.

I had a good one yesterday, this woman (early-40s I'd guess) who works in a department we support (I'm in IT) was telling a group of people how "difficult" she is to deal with, and almost as if she was proud of this quality, laughing about how people must hate seeing her calling their phone to complain about something or ordering them to fix something she doesn't like. I'm not sure how much of a sociopath you have to be in order to be on the level of this woman, but damn. I can't imagine ever being proud of being an annoying POS that people see coming in the hallway and run the other way to avoid.

Like you said, your mental health is the priority. You know you are doing a good job, especially because I'm certain you have seen the shitty work your competitors have done. Never forget that there are people out there who even if you did the entire thing for free and did a perfect job, they still would be dissatisfied. F' em. There are plenty of people out there who appreciate good work.

Super post.

Classic ego.

I’ve noticed highly educated people that are not accomplished at other things tend to gravitate toward superiority by knowledge.

We live near one of the finest Engineering schools in the country, the University of Alabama in Huntsville… what you describe is amazingly common.

Incidentally, this is also the school where one of the faculty unloaded a firearm on several others in a meeting because she did not get proper tenure.

I am of the belief that looking out for yourself is normal in human behavior, but it will quickly cross over into self-destructive behavior if you are not careful. I’ve seen people demand something from me in business and they were so shortsighted that even if they got what they wanted, I made sure they never got anything else again.




Education is a form of self improvement and nobody said it better than David Lee Roth… the key to self improvement is knowing when to quit.

 

[AndyG]

I've read the definition of "gaslighting" and still don't really understand it or why its called that. I barely know what "ghosting" is, but at least that term makes some sense.

All it is twisting things to prove you are right or want something, like progress on a job or, most often, just to be right.

The term gaslighting can make it sound worse than it is, which ironically is sort of what gaslighting is.

You know it occurred to me that I might just tell people this… let’s just go ahead and send some people out to your job that aren’t qualified to do what needs to be done and that way it won’t matter because the inspector will make us tear it out anyway because we’re not supposed to be doing that right now… and I’ll just bill you for that work at a very fair rate since I’m doing it to make you happy.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve sold my soul to be a good contractor and I just wish people would let me do that.

 

[Rickyd]

You really want to be confused look into narcissism and other messed up personality types that employ gaslighting as a means of controlling others.

Unhealed childhood trama allows them a victim mindset where they can justify truly awful behaviors to protect their wounds. Especially against people they supposedly love.

 

[Apparition]

You really want to be confused look into narcissism and other messed up personality types that employ gaslighting as a means of controlling others.

Unhealed childhood trama allows them a victim mindset where they can justify truly awful behaviors to protect their wounds. Especially against people they supposedly love.

Leave my ex out of this.

 

[jeepguy03]

You really want to be confused look into narcissism and other messed up personality types that employ gaslighting as a means of controlling others.

Unhealed childhood trama allows them a victim mindset where they can justify truly awful behaviors to protect their wounds. Especially against people they supposedly love.

Yup, not enough people living by the statement "don't let your blood drip on those who haven't cut you". Dating these types will allow you to spot people with these mental illnesses a mile a way. Unfortunately, most of these people never heal, or allow themselves to heal.

 

[Rickyd]

All it is twisting things to prove you are right or want something, like progress on a job or, most often, just to be right.

The term gaslighting can make it sound worse than it is, which ironically is sort of what gaslighting is.

You know it occurred to me that I might just tell people this… let’s just go ahead and send some people out to your job that aren’t qualified to do what needs to be done and that way it won’t matter because the inspector will make us tear it out anyway because we’re not supposed to be doing that right now… and I’ll just bill you for that work at a very fair rate since I’m doing it to make you happy.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve sold my soul to be a good contractor and I just wish people would let me do that.

A sucessful retired contractor friend of mine told me once that building houses takes a certain type of person who can easily be the customers friend,parent and therapist. It's such a large investment that there is a big emotional component,and people do dumb stuff when they get emotional.

Most of my jobs are under 20k$ and i still need to deal with people's feelings. Most days I wish I could just do a good honest job and not deal with customers mental games they use to help justify the expenditure.

 

[Rickyd]

Leave my ex out of this.

I was thinking of my Webcam ex but there's room for yours too! Last I heard,she was back into drugs and partying. Getting dicked down by random losers. Good riddance!

 

[DuckNut]

When we do a big project we spend a lot of time with the clients, a lot of time. If they get antsy or pressure to get started we politely ask them to go elsewhere. This really cuts down on the hassle of dealing with people.

There is a builder of questionable character who took on a client we passed on. The frame is up and he starts getting pressured. A couple months later he calls it quits with the house half completed. They are now hustling to find anyone who can get the bare minimum complete so they can move in. Pool is half done, no landscaping, no decks or patios, no garage doors, some electrical and plumbing. They will never find someone to pick this up because when someone walks on a job this big, there is only one reason. Contractors in this range know very well what the reason is.

 

[AndyG]

When we do a big project we spend a lot of time with the clients, a lot of time. If they get antsy or pressure to get started we politely ask them to go elsewhere. This really cuts down on the hassle of dealing with people.

There is a builder of questionable character who took on a client we passed on. The frame is up and he starts getting pressured. A couple months later he calls it quits with the house half completed. They are now hustling to find anyone who can get the bare minimum complete so they can move in. Pool is half done, no landscaping, no decks or patios, no garage doors, some electrical and plumbing. They will never find someone to pick this up because when someone walks on a job this big, there is only one reason. Contractors in this range know very well what the reason is.

Dead on. Life is too short to dance with ugly women.

 

[AndyG]

When we do a big project we spend a lot of time with the clients, a lot of time. If they get antsy or pressure to get started we politely ask them to go elsewhere. This really cuts down on the hassle of dealing with people.

There is a builder of questionable character who took on a client we passed on. The frame is up and he starts getting pressured. A couple months later he calls it quits with the house half completed. They are now hustling to find anyone who can get the bare minimum complete so they can move in. Pool is half done, no landscaping, no decks or patios, no garage doors, some electrical and plumbing. They will never find someone to pick this up because when someone walks on a job this big, there is only one reason. Contractors in this range know very well what the reason is.

I’m going to break protocol and double post-

This is such a good post.

If contractors would use some discernment…. They could save themselves so much heartache.

The same personality type that is demanding on speed is unmerciful on quality and ultimately will probably not pay the contractor in full. Part of their strategy is to wear you down..

I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t even get through the bid process- and even quite a few that I didn’t attempt to start looking at numbers because I wasn’t going to waste the time.

There are many people out there that are masters of disaster and they will pull you in, you thinking you’re going to be the one who is different than everyone else.

And unless I really want a job, I will just bow out if they’re getting too many bids.

 

[DuckNut]

I’m going to break protocol and double post-

This is such a good post.

If contractors would use some discernment…. They could save themselves so much heartache.

The same personality type that is demanding on speed is unmerciful on quality and ultimately will probably not pay the contractor in full. Part of their strategy is to wear you down..

I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t even get through the bid process- and even quite a few that I didn’t attempt to start looking at numbers because I wasn’t going to waste the time.

There are many people out there that are masters of disaster and they will pull you in, you thinking you’re going to be the one who is different than everyone else.

And unless I really want a job, I will just bow out if they’re getting too many bids.

You are a contractor. Look at these and tell me if they will ever find someone to finish.

The pool

Back of house

Front

 

[lBasket]

You are a contractor. Look at these and tell me if they will ever find someone to finish.

The pool
View attachment 636210


Back of house
View attachment 636211

Front
View attachment 636212

With a house like that I'm sure they can afford the 4x markup "I don't want to do this job" quotes

 

[AndyG]

You are a contractor. Look at these and tell me if they will ever find someone to finish.

The pool
View attachment 636210


Back of house
View attachment 636211

Front
View attachment 636212

Those can be found all over the country- from misspent fortunes to folks that can’t be reasoned with….you name it. We have a few here- I’ll post about one soon. 20 plus years in the works.

 

[Snukulu]

I've read the definition of "gaslighting" and still don't really understand it or why its called that. I barely know what "ghosting" is, but at least that term makes some sense.

It's from a classic film from the 1940's ("Gaslight"). A woman's husband is trying to make her think she's losing her mind by doing things like dimming the (gas) lights, and when she would question it, he would say it wasn't happening.

 

[Zorba]

It's from a classic film from the 1940's ("Gaslight"). A woman's husband is trying to make her think she's losing her mind by doing things like dimming the (gas) lights, and when she would question it, he would say it wasn't happening.

Thanx, I think. Kinda dumb, but at least I know now!

 

[AndyG]

It's from a classic film from the 1940's ("Gaslight"). A woman's husband is trying to make her think she's losing her mind by doing things like dimming the (gas) lights, and when she would question it, he would say it wasn't happening.

Thanks, had no clue.