Ok, time to come clean...
@mrblaine will laugh his ass off - I had my head so far up my ass that I *finally* figured out the real problem once I opened my mouth and could see out! It wasn't an oil leak, it never was an oil leak, and once I put a catch can under it, I was able to figure out it wasn't an oil leak. The slick feeling "oil", was a bright pink once I had a quantity of it to look at! Its the fucking water pump! It even smelled like coolant. Duh! The puke bottle apparently didn't need changing either, although I swore I saw a damp pinhole on its bottom. Probably condensation.
What makes me more annoyed with myself is that I *ALWAYS* change the water pump when I buy a used car - until this one. The dealer I bought the Jeep from changed the t-stat and its housing, and I carefully inspected the whole mess and it isn't leaking from the hoses anywhere (or the T-stat housing), so that leaves the water pump. Every single time I've failed to change the water pump on a used vehicle, this is what happens. Double Duh!
So, despite
@Jerry Bransford 's stellar rec, I chose not to buy a DuraLast WP, and ordered a Gates!
But hey! I learned some stuff! I don't think I've ever been so happy to have a failed WP in my life - I'll take this all day long over what it was looking like originally...