Dad jokes

[Chris]

Let's hear your favorite dad jokes. Here's some of mine:

• My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
• A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “How?”
• Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now.
• A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

 

[Apparition]

I like to tell this to others when one of my kids is with me.

What’s the difference between a booger and broccoli?

“Kids name” doesn’t eat broccoli

 

[tnjeepguy]

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?"

"Pilgrims."

 

[tnjeepguy]

"What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?"

"Yellow!"

 

[freedom_in_4low]

It was my second graders turn to stand up in front of the class and tell a joke but he needed some help, so I had him tell this:

"People are shocked to learn that I'm not a qualified electrician."

His classmates didn't get it but his teacher thought it was hilarious.

 

[JMT]

i've noticed these coming up on my feed on FB reels. I can't stop watching them...

 

[B1Toad]

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can i get you?"
"Pop" Goes the weasel

 

[B1Toad]

I saw an ad for a radio that said: "Half-price sale! Volume stuck on full!"
So I was like: "I can't turn that down".

 

[B1Toad]

I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on its way to work?"

 

[B1Toad]

I started saying mucho to my Mexican friends. It means alot to them!

 

[B1Toad]

A friend from Boston is staying with us. He left me a voice mail, to bring his khakis. I don't know if he's crapped his pants, or needs to get in his car...

 

[suicideking]

Why did the turtle cross the road? He was heading to the Shell station.

 

[B1Toad]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.

 

[srimes]

"I'm going out for cigarettes"

 

[NDSpeed]

Two guys walk into a bar, a third ducks.

 

[TJ Jim]

What does a barber use to cut his lawn?
A lawn mower.

 

[B1Toad]

Long ago, my teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

 

[NDSpeed]

Sons been hitting me up with more lately.

I have a fear of Speed bumps, But I'm slowly getting over it.

Why do you have trouble sleeping? Its so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed.

What's the pirates favorite letter? A: Rrrr
No matey it be the Sea

Who can drink 20L of Fuel? Jerry can

After an argument with my wife, I got her a gift to make amends. Apparently the cape I got made her Super mad

I went to my bosses funeral yesterday, I knelt done and whispered "who's thinking out of the box now, Dave?"

 

[Apparition]

I'll do algebra.

I'll do trig.

But geometry is where I draw the line.